Shouts & Murmurs

Memo From Coach

by Christopher Buckley

WELCOME back! The fall Pixie League soccer season officially kicks off next week, and I’d like to take this opportunity to let you know the schedule and provide guidelines. I’m sure we all agree that, with the Grasshoppers’ 1 – 12 record last season, there’s plenty of room for improvement this fall! With a view to maximizing our performance, this summer I attended the National Conference of Pixie League Coaches, held in King of Prussia, Pa. I did some valuable networking and came away truly "pumped."

PHYSICAL TRAINING

Per my memo last June regarding the summer-training regimen, your nine-year-old daughter should now be able to: (a) run a mile in under five minutes with cinder blocks attached to each ankle (lower body); (b) bench-press the family minivan (upper body); (c) swim a hundred yards in fifty-degree water while holding her breath (wind); (d) remain standing while bowling balls are thrown at her (stamina).

PRACTICE SCHEDULE

Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays: 5:30 A.M.

Tuesdays, Thursdays: 5:30 P.M.

Sundays: 7 A.M.

Columbus Day Weekend: 7:30 A.M.

Note: Live ammunition will be used at the Thursday practice.

VIDEO CRITIQUE OF GAMES

Mondays, 8 P.M. Parents strongly urged to attend. See "Camera Dads" sign-up list (Attachment E). Note: Professional-quality video cameras preferred.

GAME SCHEDULE

Saturdays, 8 A.M. Important: Please be sure to have your daughter there at least two hours before game time for the pregame strategy briefing and pep rally. Note: As the girls will be biting the heads off live animals, we will need lots of guinea pigs, hamsters, parakeets, etc. See sign-up list (Attachment P). No goldfish, please!

HALFTIME SNACKS

Last year, there was some confusion about appropriate nourishment. According to guidelines established by the N.C.P.L.C.’s Committee on Nutrition and Performance, "snacks high in carbohydrates, sucrose, and corn syrup have been demonstrated to provide dramatic short-term metabolic gain." So save those low-fat pretzels for your cocktail parties and bring on the Twinkies and Ring Dings. Let’s make sure that when the Grasshoppers hit the field they’re hoppin’!

USE OF STEROIDS

One of the many things I took away from the panel discussions at King of Prussia was that, contrary to medical guidelines, use of anabolic steroids by preteens is not necessarily a hundred per cent harmful. (See Attachment Q: "New Thinking on Performance Boosters and Mortality.") Grasshopper doctor dad Bill Hughes will discuss the merits of stanozolol versus fluoxymesterone and dispense prescriptions to all interested parents. (Participation encouraged!)

Note: If any Grasshopper parents are planning a vacation in Mexico, please see me about bringing back certain hard-to-get enhancers, like HGH (human-growth hormone) and EPO (erythropoeitin).

PARENTAL INPUT ON PLAYER SUBSTITUTIONS

Much as I appreciate your enthusiasm, it is not helpful if in the middle of a tense game situation you

abuse me verbally – or, as one overzealous dad did last season, assault me physically – because I have not sent in your daughter. For this reason, I will be carrying a Taser with me at all times. These anti-assault devices deliver up to fifty thousand volts of electricity, and leave the recipient drooling and twitching for weeks. Though I will make every effort to see that each Grasshopper gets her turn on the field, if you get "in my face" about it don’t be "shocked, shocked." to find yourself flat on your back in need of cardiopulmonary resuscitation.

INJURIES

If your daughter has kept up with the summer-training program, there’s no reason she shouldn’t be able to finish out a game with minor injuries, such as hairline bone fractures or subdural hematomas. (Parental support needed!) Remember the Grasshopper motto: "That which does not kill me makes me a better midfielder!"

CHEERLEADING

If the coaches at K. of P. were unanimous about anything, it was the key importance of parental screaming from the sidelines. This not only lets our girls know that Grasshopper parents do not accept failure but also alerts the other team that if they win you will probably "go postal" (kid talk for temporary in- < sanity) and try to run them over in the R parking lot after the game.